Instead, I find myself slowly sinking under the waters of depression, choosing instead to slowly grind to a halt, finding any excuse to sleep when the day just seems like too much to deal with anymore. I've been staring at my last project and just unable to get the urge to make it into something cool. I can't think of much that I want to do.
The pain and fatigue from Fibromyalgia are good excuses. "I'm too tired." "I'm in pain." "I just want to rest." It's true. I am in pain. I am tired. I am not used to being up at 6 AM to be functional by 7:30 when my shift starts. I'm working fewer days in my daycare, but I'm back working the morning shift. I love watching the dogs play, the sunrises, the slowly warming day and retreating shadows in the yard. It's so much fun playing with the dogs when they're chipper and eager to run. Unfortunately, the pain starts at 9 and slowly gets worse as the day goes on. Sometimes it's so bad all I can do is sob hysterically for a while when the feeling of carpet is too much for my feet, or when the pressure from an affectionate kitty head bump makes me scream. I end up spending a lot of time in recovery mode, which is code for sitting on the couch and not moving unless I have to.
"I'll do it later." is my go-to excuse to myself. I make plans and tell myself that I Totally Won't Do What I Always Do because present me forgets that future me likes to procrastinate, too.
Last weekend, I painted my nails. I didn't like the way they turned out, but it's about taking care of myself. I could go through those motions without feeling overwhelmed, or (bonus!) moving. I re-did them this weekend, and like this result much better. I didn't use any sort of guide, so this is my own little Halloween design.
This weekend Ben had his first cuddle party, which was a success. I was there to be a cuddle assistant, plus support the Ben, and didn't feel like I could do what I really wanted, which is to find someone who would be willing to hold me while I curled up into a ball and cried. I thought I needed to be ready to be supportive of anyone else there and I walled myself off and hung out on the couch, spending a little time cuddling with Ben, catching up with another Cuddle Buddy and just listening. I felt better being around a whole bunch of kindhearted, open people for a few hours.
The next night, we played Forbidden Island with some friends of Ben's that I'd met briefly before. We had a great time and it helped a little more.
I'm doing something today. I'm not standing still, I'm moving forward. The pain is overwhelming and it's breaking through the distractions I use to keep me from feeling it. I just need to put one foot in front of the other and I'll get through this. It's hard. I don't want to, but I know I must because this dark place of mine only gets darker.
I did manage to get something done, though. The first necklace I made in time for a play that I went to with Ben to support a friend of ours who was on the cast. I don't like it because I think it looks cheap. The idea is interesting, but I don't know. Maybe more beads so that it's like a collar? The eye size is out of place? This particular incarnation has a nasty tendency to flip at the sides. That's probably because I put on the chain with a twist, but I couldn't figure out where it was. I wanted to do something with more chain and less bead and while I like the idea, this one didn't pan out.
In a half-assed effort to feel in control of something, I went through my bead stash to see what I had. Expect to see more beaded stuff as I begin Operation: Reduce the Effing Bead Stash. I did find some beautiful purple, blue, and silver beads that I thought would be really cool in a necklace. I had 3 shapes: oval, round, and a square-ish shape. I used the two squatter beads in the spiral rope with cobalt, clear, and silver beads. I think this one looks much better. There's a better proportion of beads and eye, I think.
There will be more stuff. I'm not giving up yet.
